The Freedom of Being Trapped
by egor11572
Summary: The thoughts of Tobias during the time directly before and after he was trapped as a redtailed hawk. Please read and review!


The story of Tobias being trapped in his hawk form.  
  
I watched them retreat up the stairs of the hellhole, a whirlwind of orange and black, a quickly demorphing elephant, a trotting horse, a mighty gorilla. Their thought-speak screams from the fireballs that hit them was almost enough to make me want to go insane.  
  
And I was trapped. A red-tailed hawk, trapped, where no red-tailed hawk should ever be.  
  
Visser Three screamed. He shrieked, the slashes and swipes from Jake's powerful tiger claws had begun to pain the horrible monster he had become. I'll kill you all, Andalites. Run away, it doesn't matter! I'll kill you all!  
  
The zoo that I had just recently begun to call my friends had disappeared up the stairs. I flapped backwards, trying to keep out of sight. I had to be careful, I wasn't safe.  
  
I found a place in the caverns of the Yeerk pool, amid the bloody Hork- Bajir and the screaming Taxxons, hungry for the fresh meat of their fallen brothers. I wanted so badly to close my eyes, to put it all out of my mind. I didn't want to see the horrors of this place. But there isn't much a red-tailed hawk can't see.  
  
We will kill those Andalite bandits, Visser Three boomed in his arrogant thought-speak. We will wipe them out.  
  
My hawk eyes scanned the incredible vastness of the cavern. There had to be hundreds, maybe even thousands of controllers down here. Hundreds, thousands of Hork-Bajir, Taxxon, and Human host bodies. What insanity had we put ourselves up against? It was a massacre. There was no chance of survival. Jake, Rachel, Cassie, Marco. Marco had been right, hadn't he, that this was insane?  
  
If I get out of here alive, the smart thing to do is to throw in the towel. I told myself. But something inside me knew the words were a lie. I could never abandon this fight, it was all I had to keep me going. The doomed Andalite warrior had died in hope that we would continue his fight. The jumbled mess of images, and those words of comfort he had spoken to me. I couldn't let it all be in vain. And Rachel. I had already begun to care for a warrior that I barely knew. She would never have the same feelings for me if I gave up this fight.  
  
I tossed my hawk head, willing the jumbled up feelings to disintegrate and leave me at peace. The monotonous horrors of the Yeerk pool had begun again, with the screams of the caged Involuntary Controllers, and the garbled yells of the Hork-Bajir. Thought distant, I saw Visser Three boarding his Blade Ship as if it was occurring a foot in front of me. Hawk eyes don't miss too much.  
  
A curly haired teenager passed me. A Controller. She turned to look at her watch. "My host's parents will be troublesome if I don't get out of here soon," she told the Controller next to her. I focused my eyes on her watch. Timex. Black. Velcro Strap. Ironically, the last thing I noticed was the time.  
  
The picture of that girl's watch will one day leave my mind, however, the thoughts that came after it will never. I had been in morph for more than an hour before we had met at the school, at 6:00, and I'd been trapped in the Yeerk pool for about an hour. 2 hours. The time limit.  
  
What scared me most wasn't the fact that I was already moments into being trapped in the body of a hawk forever. What scared me most was the fact that I hadn't thought about demorphing until it was too late. I thought about Rachel, I thought about my friends, I thought about giving up.  
  
I hadn't thought about demorphing. I hadn't thought about being human again. There were suddenly two creatures inside of me, and I was more frightened than I had ever been in my life. Did I do it on purpose? Was this how I wanted it?  
  
A hawk. A red-tailed hawk. I looked down at my new body. Wings. Ripping, clawing talons. A fierce beak. Russet tail feathers. This was me.  
  
I don't really remember what happened after that. I remember that somehow, I got out of that hellhole that bore me as its sole deformed child. I remember asking myself what I was. Was I a bird with the mind of a human? A human with the body of a bird? I'm not sure I'll ever know.  
  
I didn't sleep that night. I flew out to the beach, over the buildings in town, over the homes of my friends. The homes where they were sleeping in their beds. Sleeping as humans. Human. It was a foreign concept to me already. My memories were vanishing. What was it like, to touch with fingers? To taste food? To walk? Would I ever have any of those powers taken for granted again? Did I want them anymore?  
  
I flew to Jake's home early that morning, frightened as to what would come. I was proud of him, for making the call not to come back in after me. It would've been suicide, and it could have resulted in the birth of another half-breed.  
  
I tapped on his window with my wing, and he smiled, relieved that I was all right, I guess.  
  
"You made it," he said, relief flooding his voice, causing him to choke and the words to become distorted in his throat. "Oh man, you had me scared. I figured you were still trapped down there. I mean, I thought that you could probably find somewhere to hide in that cavern, but I knew you'd been morphed for a long time. I was worried you wouldn't be able to morph back without getting caught. It's good to see you."  
  
I was silent. What words could describe what had happened to me? What could I say? How could I reassure him? How could I explain that something, deep inside of me was satisfied? How could I tell him that another part of me was almost shuddering from fear?  
  
Good to see you too, Jake. How are the others? I could only imagine the nightmares of the horrors we had witnessed.  
  
"Alive," he said weakly, "Alive. I guess that's all that counts."  
  
All that counts. Yes. Jake's words touched me more than anything. I was a hawk. A hawk with the mind of a boy. But I still could fight, and I would. I would do anything. Anything at all.  
  
Yes. That is all that matters. I told him softly. At that moment, he knew. He tried to offer me his bed, a place to spend the remaining hours until morning, trying to wish it all away.  
  
I'd already tried that.  
  
I hid in the cavern for awhile, I told him, They didn't see me. But I had to stay out of sight till I could get out. Jake...it took too long. Too long. More than two hours. I hadn't told him the whole truth. He knew it but for some reason, he didn't question it.  
  
I guess this is me from now on, I said sadly. Silent tears began to fall down his face, and I knew he couldn't understand the sacrifice. He couldn't understand why a small part of me, growing every second, had wanted this. This freedom.  
  
Freedom from my less than caring aunt and uncle. Freedom from being shipped from town to town. Freedom from being bullied and taunted and tortured. I could fly.  
  
He went to the window, still crying quietly, and turned to look at the stars, still twinkling in the ever lightening sky. I knew why he was looking and I tried desperately to reassure him.  
  
It's okay Jake. Like you said, we're alive. I turned to look out at those stars, those planets, the promise of the Andalites coming to save us. To take over our battle. To save our planet, and five kids who stumbled upon a dying Andalite prince. And me.  
  
Maybe I didn't need saving. Jake knew it. I promised him one day the Andalites would come. I knew I would never give up, never give in. I never would.  
  
I flew to see Rachel after I left Jake. She was sitting up on her bed. Like Jake, she knew. She didn't even need to ask me to demorph. Tears were already running down her strong, beautiful face.  
  
I think that this was the first time it hit me that in staying over the time limit, I secured a limited future with Rachel. By limited, I mean that we would never be able to hold hands, or kiss or go on a date.  
  
She patted my feathers awkwardly, and we sat in silence. If hawks could cry, I would have. It scared me to see her like this, and I was suddenly sorry for making this choice because it hurt her so badly.  
  
It frightened me that I wanted my body back not for myself, but for Rachel, a girl I barely knew.  
  
"Is this how you wanted it to be?" She asked, through her tears. I was silent for a moment.  
  
I'm not sure, I responded. Seeing you like this, it changes things... I stopped.  
  
"It hurts, Tobias, it really does," Rachel told me softly.  
  
I know, I told her. But this is the way it will have to be.  
  
She looked into my golden hawk eyes, a fierce expression mirroring my own on her face. "One day the Andalites will come, Tobias," she told me gently. "And one day, we'll be together. We'll have a home, and a life together. As humans."  
  
I didn't say anything. She knew that she was speaking without reason, trying to reassure me.  
  
The truth was, I wasn't reassured. I was a hawk now. I didn't see how it could ever change. Maybe I didn't want to see it.  
  
Rachel kissed my beak and ruffled my feathers once more, and I opened my wings to the rising sun, which brought light and optimism to my darkened thoughts.  
  
I soared across the town, over the meadows, trees and rivers of the forest I would now call my home. I am a hawk. I am a hawk with the mind of a boy. I am split in two. Sometimes I don't know what I want. I care deeply for a girl I barely know and I have friends that I wouldn't trade for the world. I have a reason to live. I have a battle to fight, a death to avenge, a planet and a species to save. I have wings, and I have the sky. And for now, I am content.  
  
* * * * * * * * * * *  
  
I wrote this fanfic about the thoughts of Tobias upon his being trapped in hawk form. The characters in *Animorphs* are not mine, they are creations of the godly K.A. Applegate, *bows and swoons before her* who has brought to me a world that is so incredibly fashioned and imaginative. Thank you for writing these books and letting me to fall in love with them. I don't own any of the Animorphs characters, and I wrote about them with love, care, and consideration, and tried to keep them as in character as possible. I hope you enjoy this fanfic. *Susan  
  
PS- Sorry that the thought speak sideways carets don't work. It's angered me beyond belief that I had to switch them all. 


End file.
